Ugh

I hate eHarmony.

I really didn't think I was this undesireable.

I should just buy a cat now and get it over with.

I'm avoiding doing work,

so I stole this from Odie's blog.

10 FAVORITES
Favorite Color: lime green
Favorite Food: French dip sandwiches
Favorite Month: July
Favorite Song: Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
Favorite Movie: Say Anything
Favorite Sport: SC Football
Favorite Season: summer
Favorite Day of the week: Wednesday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Banana at Cold Stone
Favorite Time of Day: 2pm

9 CURRENTS
Current Mood: Lazy
Current Taste: Huh?
Current Clothes: jeans and a tee
Current Desktop: Da Vinci
Current Toenail Color: shimmery nude
Current Time: 4:52pm
Current Surroundings: my living room
Current Thoughts: I've got loads of work to do but I don't want to do it

8 FIRSTS
First Best Friend: Jennifer Lopez (not THAT one) in pre-K
First Kiss: 16 years old, on a park bench with my 1st boyfriend...yuck
First Screen Name: yezeniah
First Pet: guinea pig, Squeeky
First Piercing: my ears when I was an infant
First Crush: Richard Hernandez in Kindergarten...he had curly red hair
First CD: The Byrds (I was a hippie)

7 LASTS
Last Cigarette: I've never had a whole one, just one puff 2x in my life
Last Drink: iced tea
Last Car Ride: from lunch with a friend
Last Kiss: a few months
Last Movie Seen: 28 Weeks Later
Last Phone Call: a rep at Griffith Park about refunding my money because they no longer allow BBQs at the park
Last CD Played: Wicked

6 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: yes, a GUY
Have You Ever Broken the Law: I'm sure I have, speeding and such
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no, I'm not that interesting
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no, see above
Have You Ever Been on TV: I don't think so
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: yes and I'm still embarrassed

5 THINGS
Thing You're Wearing: jeans that are too tight at the belly
Thing You've Done Today: went to lunch with Steven
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: birds chirping
Thing You Can't Live Without: The Internet
Thing You Do When You're Bored: The Internet

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY
BJ's
my mom's
my apartment
outside to dump the trash
(I really need to get out more)

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
my sister
Yvette
Gracie

2 CHOICES
1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Hot

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Fall in love again.

Update

As if anyone is still reading my boring blah blog, here's a quick update on my life as of late.

I went on my trip to Ireland. BEAUTIFUL. Can't wait to go back. And while the food was not so great (with the exception of a couple of great meals), I was astounded to find that many Irish men have great butts. I'm not a lusty wench, unfortch, but I do appreciate a nice derriere when I see one. And I saw puhlenty in Dublin. I don't know if it's all the potatoes and Guinness, but Irish babies got back.

Made it through another Alumnae Mass/Brunch for my alma mater. Too bad I still have to write the event report and the article for the alum newsletter. Blech, I hate homework.

I raised $1,111 for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's "Great Strides" walk. Thank you to those of you who sponsored me!

I went to this cool lounge the other night with some friends. Since I wasn't driving, much, and trying to save some pennies, I decided to harken back to my early college days and get drunk on a dime. I bought a couple of single-serving bottles of Ocean Spray cranberry juice, dumped half in the sink and replaced with Absolut. By the time we got to the lounge, I was buzzing something fierce. I am a lightweight drinker compared to the binge drinking I did at SC and immediately following graduation. But it was nice to just relax and chill with friends and not worry about the fact that I can no longer dance to save my life and that I don't have the same pull I used to. Maybe it's the added wrinkles/pounds/contempt for men, but I just don't get the attention I used to.

Which is why I'm trying eHarmony. Yup. After refusing to date for 2 years (my second such hiatus), I'm giving this site a shot. Let me tell you, it's not for speed daters. It's an excruciatingly slow process, from the preliminary personality questionnaire, which made me head for the hills the first time I tried to take it, to the "guided steps" to matches. It holds you by the hand through the whole process, which normally I'm a huge proponent of, but in this case it's really making it boring. No cruising the site. IT matches you, and IT tells you what questions to ask. Though some are really great questions I gotta say. So anyway, wish me luck. I'm really hoping God has a hand in this website because I feel my eggs and nether regions shriveling at an alarming rate.

Bastards

So for the first time in my life I actually feel like an illegitimate child.

Yesterday my mom, sister, niece and I went to a surprise party for an old friend of my mother's. This lady, whom we call Aunt, happens to be my father's neighbor. My aunt's older daughter invited us, and the younger one invited my dad and his wife. For those who don't know the story, my dad was married and had his wife and kids in Mexico while he lived another life stateside. When his wife got wind of his other life, she brought her family here, to tame her philandering husband I guess. When my mom found out he was married, she told him to honor his commitment and she'd take care of us on her own. My father thought that was laughable, but was quite comfortable leaving us.

Anyway, all these years, my dad lived with his family, never giving a hoot, or a dime, about my sister and me except for an occasional (every 5 years) attempt to talk to us. Lately, due to certain events in his life, his conscience has really been bugging him. My sister is more open and forgiving than me in general, and honestly I tried being more receptive to my dad. But he's just so annoying and smug, and my general mantra being "Life is too short to spend it with people you dislike," I just can't be bothered with him.

So anyway, back to yesterday. My sister and niece got to the restaurant before us and got the stink eye from my father's wife. When they came out to the parking lot and informed us of the situation, my mom said she didn't want to go in. My mom says even a mistress has to know her place and have dignity. So while we were discussing where to go for brunch, my father came out sproting a huge grin, as is his wont. He asked us why we were leaving. When we told him my mom wouldn't be comfortable, he said, "They can put you in a separate room." :FireyMad:

THIS is exactly the shit that infuriates me about my father. He doesn't seem to think anything of cheating on his wife repeatedly, and then flaunting it in her face. He said not to worry about that, "that" meaning his wife. It's just amazing to me that we, the bastard children, have more respect for his wife than he does. I told him as much and that it's always women that bear the brunt of men's mistakes. My sister said when he turned around, he had tears in his eyes. She didn't know what I was saying to him but once I told her she said that all these years he's been wondering why I won't talk to him. Well, now he knows why I keep my mouth shut around him.

AND, he not only has no respect for his wife, or my mom, he also thinks it's ok for US, his children to be shuttled to a back room like 2nd class citizens. Out of sight out of mind. Well fuck that. I've been tolerating his presence lately for my sister's sake. She knew him as daddy, I didn't. To me, he was always just the strange man who'd come around every so often and make my mom nervous.

Sheesh, if I didn't have daddy issues all these years, I will now. Bastard.

Scrappers...check this out...

My friends Bucket and April are running a Team in Training marathon for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society in June. Our friend Colleen is hosting a raffle on her blog to help bring in some donations to Bucket and April's fundraising efforts. Click HERE for details.

Lots o' fundraising going on lately.

I'm pretty happy to report that my own fundraising efforts are going well. So far I'm at $796 for the Great Strides Walk benefitting the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. A HUGE thank you to those of you who have donated. It is greatly appreciated!

For those of you who haven't donated, it's not too late! ANY amount at all is a help. Por ejemplo, someone could donate $4 and round out that pesky $6 in the amount above. Click HERE to help end Cystic Fibrosis.

Because you like me...

You will sponsor my Great Strides walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Most of you, my loyal readers, have received or will soon receive my email soliciting your donations for this worthy cause. Please click HERE to go to my fundraising page.

Thank you in advance for your support. You all know what my Sixty Five Roses kids mean to me. ...y

* WARNING * If you're a wee bit too culturally sensitive, do not read this.

Since my life is so devoid of anything exciting and my brain has shriveled to the size of a pea, I'll post this forward my friend Yvette sent me. Gave me a chuckle, so I'm dedicating this to those who might understand it...Norma, Bucket, Jenn, Odie. You are my homies. ;)

Check your Mexican status...

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas....Mexican status!!

If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you pronounce words beginning with the letter "S" byputting an "E" in front of it, (estop instead of stop), big timeMexican.

If you call a chair, a sher, you got it.... Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed thearea while chanting, " Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....." You're Mexican, big time.

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on your car, truck, or tattooed on your back. Yes, you ARE aMexican (proud one too).

If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, yourwifa, your old lady, or your vieja, guess what? Not only are you aMexican, you're a cholo.

If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez, then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told "pobrecito de ti si lloras" or "Vas a ver ahorrita que salgamos." Yes,you're definitely a Mexican.

If you grew up scared of La Llorona, or fear the darkbecause of El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!!!

If you ask for something by "dame esa chingadera" instead of calling it by its name. Yup! Mexican!

If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys" or cake as"kay-ke". You're a Mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figureout why your butt is getting bigger......You might be a Mexican.

If you have some Tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to a birthday party at "el parque". You are a Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted brightpink, mint green, and lavender. Mexican.

If you're congested and your mamasita rubbed "Bicks".You're Mexican.

IF YOU DON'T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE,YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN. VIVA LA RAZA!!!

You know you're laughing your head off. It's all in fun, so don't get all "adoloridos." Just pass it on so another Mexican can laugh too.

This is what happens when one is bored...

Got this from my friend Maricar. Like it better than most of those "getting to know you" forwards.


Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature... (as if these are mature at all...but hey if you're bored...HAVE AT IT!)

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Rent, followed closely by my landline phone bill because I don't even use the phone and can't fathom why I pay $70 a month...rat bastards

2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
I just don't think dinner can be romantic. Then again, I'm not much of a romantic.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Napping on a beach in Greece

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A mom, an archeaologist, interior designer

8. How many colleges did you attend?
One

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
It's soft and shows off my bodacious tatas

10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
Good thing I don't drive much

11. If you could vacation anywhere and take someone with you, where would you go?
Greece, not sure whom I'd take...anyone who wants to go I suppose

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Motherfucker!! but it was at 3pm

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
I should have gone to sleep earlier

14. Favorite style of underwear?
Boyshorts!

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Boxers or boxer-briefs

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Cleaning the fridge

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
Yes, at my alma mater and a literacy program

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Brainy Smurf

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with your significant other?
It's been so long since I've had one...but I really liked falling asleep on the couch

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
I've got a mad crush on a British blogger who is absolute trash

22. When did you first start feeling old?
When I stopped recognizing songs on KROQ and thought they were too loud

23. Favorite 80's movie?
Say Anything

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Roast beef

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco/Sam's Club?
Batteries and soymilk

26. Beach or lake?
Lake

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
No, but I do think it's generally taken far too lightly

28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
No one really, but I stalk aforementioned blogger

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Banana ice cream with caramel at Cold Stone

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Boogie Nights

31. What's your drink?
As of late, water...fortified drink would be Amaretto Sour

32. Who from high school would you like to run into?
Maybe my old buddy William

33. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Movin 93 or KROQ, I don't recall

34. What is a rumor that someone has spread about you?
No one spreads rumors about me, everyone knows I'm boring. Someone in college once told people I was pregnant. I was probably just bloated.

35. The Cosby Show or the Simpson'?
Cosby Show...I wanted to be a Huxtable (sp?)

36. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
The way I broke up with someone. But I suppose it might have been uglier/more painful any other way.

37. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
I don't sit across from anyone really. There is only one person at work I can't stand, but she usually crawls off into her rat's nest so I don't have to see her much.

38. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Child molestors

New pics by Toni

So I'd been jonesing for a new picture for my blog and to commemorate my latest milestone, joining the Dirty Thirties Club, though I was dirtier as an adolescent than I am now but I digress...

Toni graciously granted my wish. Here I am with short hair and blue bra strap showing.

Yeah, that's how I roll.

Now, A True Spinster

So the big birthday came and went with no depression on my part. In fact, I had a run of happy days around my birthday. No work for 10 days, went to Disneyland, saw Wicked, got a short haircut, went to the newly renovated Griffith Observatory, had some Thai food, went to a couple meetings (ok that wasn't that much fun), went out with friends, did laundry and cleaned out my closet.

So that list is pretty lame, but I kept myself so busy that I didn't get my usual bout of depression around my birthday, and certainly not the nervous breakdown I thought I might have.

And my awesome friends had planned to send me to Ireland for my birthday, but since I beat them to it they gave me the cash for spending money and a guide to Ireland. Aren't my girls the best?!?

2Peas Blogger Challenge

Not a very interesting one, but I've got a really light night at work so here it is...

When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up????

I wanted to be different things at different times. An interior designer, a doctor, an archeaologist, a pilot, a teacher. I NEVER wanted to be a nurse when I was little, but one summer volunteering at a pediatric hospital did it for me. I loved the flexibility that nursing offered. And when I was in high school, I'd decided that I wanted a family so I wanted something that would allow me to spend a lot of time with my kids. Ha!

Big News

So I forgot to post the news that brought on the previous post...as a present to myself for turning 30, I'm going to Ireland! It's always been on my Places I Want to Visit List, at the top actually, so in celebration (yes I'm going to celebrate this) of turning THIRTY, I'm going. I really wanted to try to go it alone, but I can't quite do that yet so my friend Carmen is coming with. Maybe if it were a tour group I'd go alone, but we're planning on driving around (praying the whole way that we don't forget which side of the road to drive on) so I need a buddy for that. So I am super excited and really wish it were May already.

Anyway, I thought it was funny that when I mentioned it on my scrapping board, a couple of the ladies said they were jealous. I replied that travel is one of the perks of being a spinster, to which some replied that I wasn't a spinster...yada yada...

So here's what's funny, I spent the last couple of years somewhat jealous of others' families, being married, being mothers, having real homes, etc. And now I'm not. Sure I have moments when I think I'd still love to win the lottery and be able to afford a house and a kid on my own, but I've become very selfish lately. I really love not having to wake up early, being able to take off for dinner or drinks any time of the day, not having to worry about taking anyone to the ER for stitches or what have you, not having to worry that someone or something will hurt my child. I'm quite a worrier, so it's a good thing I don't have anyone to stress out about otherwise I'd never get any sleep.

Anyway, I know there's a reason why they say the grass is always greener on the other side. I've been there. But now, right now, I'm really digging the not-so-green grass on MY side.

The Spinster

Something I wrote on my scrapping group's board...just want it in the appropriate place for future reference.



There are a few of us in the world who are trying to reclaim the word "spinster." Watch out, I'm about to drop some info from Wiki...

A spinster is a woman who has never been married, though it is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the normal age for marriage, which has varied between cultures and eras. The word spinster came into common use during the early 19th century when spinning thread provided unmarried women a useful role in the home.

There used to be quite a stigma related to being a spinster, but this has somewhat disappeared in modern Western Civilization along with the establishment of women's rights to vote, own property, and pursue career goals as well as changing social mores regarding nonmarital sexual relationships and advents in birth control. Stereotypes historically perpetuated about spinsters include sexual and emotional frigidity, frumpiness, depression, moral virtue, religious devotion, victim of an oppressive mother and family caretaker.

The notion of the spinster has been adopted by some in the late 20th and early 21st centuries as a positive and even empowering lifestyle choice, one not necessarily linked to romantic or sexual abstinence.



Ok, so I definitely fit some of the stereotypes of the old-fashioned spinster, but that's my choice. And I've had love and oppportunities for marriage, but for certain reasons they didn't work out. I may go through my occasional boo hoos about love and loss, but ultimately I know that if I really wanted to get married, I'd have no problem getting married. But that's not enough for me. I don't settle. Period. I will not have a substandard man, and that's not to say that I'm picky or shallow, I just know what is important to me. Like the saying goes, I don't just want someone I can live with, I want someone I can't live without. And I haven't met that guy yet, and even if I don't, I'm ok with it.

So that's all I'm saying, I'm a spinster (in my culture), and I'm glad. I'd rather be a spinster who's in control of her life than feel trapped by a poor choice. Please don't think that I'm fishing for reassurance that some day my prince will come. I don't want you guys to think I'm feeling sorry for myself (I think I'm over that hump already).

Saturday Laundry

I am currently composing my manifesto, and due to events of today I will be including something to the effect of:

A spinister may engage in hand to hand combat with a fellow spinster and neighbor over use of the single dryer in the building. However, dreaming about kicking her scrawny ass out of the window will suffice.

Other items up for inclusion in my manifesto are:

A spinster has license to be as eccentric as she sees fit. She has earned the right to be kooky.

A spinster does not have to shave, wax, pluck, dye, or suck in anything not covered by clothing if she doesn't want to.

And for this I'm missing taco night at my sister's. Humph.

Valentines Day is upon us...

and I suppose this calls for tales of Valentines Days past.

Picture it, Lincoln Heights, 1993. I had just met Boyfriend #1. Back then we didn't have cell phones or myspace, so the way boys told girls (especially at all-girls Catholic schools) they were thinking about them was by sending a Candygram. This is how student government made a chunk of change, selling little cards with candy and then hand-delivering them to the other schools for a dollar. So imagine everyone's surprise in my homeroom when this little mousy girl, yours truly, got a candygram. It was quite the sensation. Every year for the rest of my high school days I had a boyfriend for VDay, so I guess that first Candygram was a good omen. I still have all my Candygrams in a box someplace. Like I said, not my best story, but it's a story.

I've never really been a hopeless romantic. I'd much rather be the recipient of small gestures of caring and consideration every day than once a year cliches. But, I do have a couple of those overdone stories too.

Boyfriend #4 (aka Love of my Life) once lit about 100 tea candles in his apartment with the help of his roommates, who had left us a very nice romantic meal and set a Keith Sweat CD on a loop to set the mood (hey, it was 1997 and these were homeboys). And the card he gave me had a very clever contract in fine print all around the edge binding me to stay with him forever and give him lots of kisses every day for the rest of my life, among other things. Sigh. Still, it'll be one of my deathbed memories.

Then there was Boyfriend #5.5 (forgive my dodgy boyfriend classification system). He once left a bunch of red roses sprinkled on my car before I left for school. And the guy deserves credit because I was in nursing school at the time so I had to leave pretty early in the morning. What was funny was that the gardeners were waiting by my car because they'd seen him bring the flowers and wanted to see my reaction. Very nice guy that one.

And now that VDay is approaching next week, I'm a bit nervous. Candy Man from work told me yesterday that I had to remind him of "something funny" he has to tell me "next Wednesday." Hmm...Maybe this year he'll give me a lump of coal.

My activities of the past 2 months...

work, sleep, movies, read, scrap, laundry.

And now you know why I've not blogged in months. Boring.

Well, now that I give it some thought, that's not true. One of my best friends gave birth to her gorgeous baby girl and she's the cutest little thing. In my line of work I've seen some really ugly babies, so I have the expertise and authority to deem Miranda a beautiful baby. And it's all thanks to the "Don't Have Ugly Babies" gum that I gave her momma while she was pg. You can all thank me now.

Christmas was nice. Spent it at my sister's with her family like a proper spinster. I spoiled the kids worse than ever this year. But it was so hugely entertaining to watch them rip open their gifts and really be excited about what I'd gotten them. I would hate to give them a crap gift, like socks and underwear, and see them make The Face. I'm sure that Christmas will come eventually, but right now I'm still their cool Tia With the Awesome Gifts. Sure, it's buying their love, but I'd like to think they love me for the non-material stuff too. Things like sticking up for my niece when my sister insists she take Spanish class instead of Choir next year...encouraging my nephew to fess up to things he's messed up because I remember well my sister's wrath from my own childhood...appreciating my younger nephew's finger painting and displaying his art on my fridge. And I know they love me because they get sad everytime I leave their house and they each tell me I can spend the night in their rooms so I don't have to drive home so late. And the middle one always makes me hot chocolate and cookies. And the little dude runs out to my car and gives me a running-jump-hug when I get there. Ahh, they're good kids.

Anyway, what are my latest spinster musings? None really. A few weeks ago I had the idea that I wanted to start dating again. I realized that I missed the cuddling, the laughing, the back rubs, the phone calls. Yup, I was this close to putting myself out there. Then a few people, who'd previously been so hopeful of my "finding someone," encouraged me not to within days of each other. So I thought that was a sign that now isn't the time. And, I think I'm still sulking at the fact that every one of my ex's is now married, even the ugly one. And a sulky me is not an attractive me.

For the first time in my life, someone called me fat, within my hearing anyway. That was disconcerting to say the least. Did I mention that I'd gained 13 lbs in the last year? Not sure how that happened but I was quite astonished when I weighed myself last month. I've been watching what I eat and exercising religiously, and by religiously I mean like twice but it must be working because I've lost 6 lbs already. Not too shabby. Maybe tomorrow I'll work out again.

Oh, and how could I forget to mention that I'll soon reach an important milestone, turing THIRTY. How in God's name did all those years fly by so quickly? In many ways I still feel like I'm 20. Maybe I just WISH that I was 20 again. The things I'd do differently. Ahh, well, spilt milk. Anyway, I don't have any really big plans. I would love to go on an adventure, maybe go to Ireland alone since I've always wanted to go there and I've never been on vacation alone. But truth be told I'm trying to pay bills off and save for a real beach vacation this summer. Haven't been on one of those in a couple of years.

And now I have nothing else to say. Hmm, maybe that's why I'm single.

Thanksgiving of Yesterday

So 10 years ago when I was dating the wannabe Chicano militant (who now looks like he's a bonafide militant), we went to see my favorite band Ozomatli. Actually, we were there to see Aztlan Underground, and Ozo was still just opening for them on this night, which happened to be the night before Thanksgiving. So the gig was in an old warehouse somewhere near downtown LA and later it got raided by la jura(police). Between sets, an artsy fartsy militant Chicana put on a slide show which was meant to compare the conflict in Chiapas with the actual events of the original Thanksgiving. At the end of a very moving tirade about the devils of government enslaving and murdering indigenous peoples, Artsy Fartsy Chicana screamed into the mic, "You are the indigenous turkey! You are the meat being feasted upon by the oppressor!" She chanted this a few times trying to get the crowd to chant as well, and most of the time this type of crowd would happily follow along. After repeating herself a few times, one big cholo in the crowd yelled back, "Nah! Fuck it! I want TURKEY!!!" After this everyone followed Big Cholo in chanting "Turkey...turkey" and that was the end of Artsy Fartsy Chicana's protest, at least on that night.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! This indigenous turkey is about to start cooking a la Martha Stewart.

Why California ROCKS!

It's the week of Thanksgiving and it's 90 degrees out.
LOVE IT!!!

Priscilla

Yesterday, one of my pts passed away. She was one of the sweetest kids I've ever taken care of. Lately I'd started to look at her and feel really sad that she would never be able to do the stuff that other teens would experience. For all the dumb things I did as a kid, I'm thankful that I had the chance to do them even though I cringe at them now. Pris yearned for those experiences, but was too sick to act her age. Maybe now when teenagers are getting on my nerves at the movies or the mall, I'll be able to appreciate their youth and vitality, at least for a while until they really annoy me.

P wrote letters to her friends, sisters, and the nurses before she died. It reminded me of a scrapbook Vanessa Reyes made for her daughter. She and her husband wrote letters to their daughter for certain milestones, first day of school, first boyfriend, wedding day, birth of her child, etc. The letters are meant to be opened only if either or both had passed away. I think it is important to let people know how you feel about them every day (ok, maybe not those you loathe). But sometimes it's difficult to get those really mushy feelings out in person. We should all give it a try sometime.

So this year I'm taking away these two things from the pts I've lost. From Jess, telling people what you like about them as the thought strikes you, and from Priscilla, putting your thoughts into writing before it's too late.

I apologize if I get all mushy whenever someone dies, but this is basically my journal. I'm around more death than the average person and it sort of skews my thinking.

Depression

I was having a very lovely day today. We threw a baby shower for our friend, first baby of the bunch. I was surrounded by friends, the place was very festive, we were having fun playing Baby Bingo. Here's where my blissful day came to a screeching halt. My friend's mother said she wanted offer me her condolences. Thinking she had me confused with someone else, I gave her a puzzled look. She went on to say that my ex (the last one, who shortly before breaking up with me had been shopping for an engagement ring) had gotten married.

Being the trooper that I am, I put on a cheery face and told her that thankfully I had dodged that bullet. I really thought I was ok. But then I went into the bathroom and almost puked. I tend to become nauseated when I have a surge of strong emotion. That very reaction, in fact, is to blame for why said ex broke up with me. When we had first started dating, we ran into another of my exes, "the love of my life." Same reaction, nausea, and not from disgust. Well P said, 2 years and several discussions about "the future" later, that he could never get the sight of my reaction to another man out of his head. He said he knew that he could never cause such a reaction in me. Obviously he was wrong.

I managed to get through the day and an uncomfortable ride home with my mom without losing it. But once home, the floodgates opened. To add to the misery, I had to come to work at 10pm, where someone promptly asked me what was wrong and why were my eyes so red and puffy. There went the floodgates again.

Just when I thought I was ok with being a spinster, it all goes horribly wrong.